The year of COVID pandemic

Assalamualaikum

It's almost half of the year but this is my first blog entry for 2020. I am pretty sure everyone have long waited for 2020 and hoped this year going to be a successful and memorable year. I could not agree more that 2020 is an exquisitely unforgettable since we are fighting a pandemic, COVID-19, coronavirus disease discovered in late 2019.

Because this disease is very infectious and hundred thousands have succumbed, many countries started a quarantine policy including Malaysia. Nations, except frontliners, were prohibited from going to school or work and instructed to just stay at home. Being in anaesthesia and intensive care department, our role is pretty much vital. We are the frontliners but the last defense in this war. We emptied our general ICU to cater for COVID/ SARI patients who needed intensive care. Normal wards being turned to temporary ICU. Our working schedule went haywire initially as we need to work 12-hour shift everyday while no one was granted to take annual leave. Things getting harder when some of my colleagues had to be quarantined too. This difficult time for my colleagues and I went on for 1 month plus before we were back to normal office hour and oncall system again and allows to apply leave.

After 2 months of quarantine aka movement restriction order (MCO) in Malaysia, the chaos situation getting pristine. Not that there is no more positive case but it becoming very less. From 100-200 plus cases per day previously, the number today decreased to 10 new positive cases. I am so glad with our country leaders (Tan Sri Muhyiddin and DS Dr Noor Hisham especially), the frontliners and the rakyat who are fighting together in this catastrophe. Thank you for staying at home and obeying to the MCO. We have not totally win this war yet hence we must keep implementing the new norm as a precaution - practice 3W: Wear mask, Wash hands and Warn others as well as to avoid 3C: Crowded place, Confined space and Close conversation.

A picture as memory. First picture while I was in non-COVID operating theater, second and third picture were right before I attended COVID cases, wearing full PPE.

I shall stop my rants now. Stay safe and please take care! #proudtoserve #kitamestimenang
Thank you for reading!

Life is full of surprises

Have you ever wonder about life?
What is the purpose of this life?
Why are you doing what you are doing?
Which is a better choice?
When will your prayers be granted?

Life is full of surprises
You plan, you dream, you prepare
You thought everything will go smoothly
You thought everything will go as your plan
But life is not as straightforward
There's always hump and bump along the way
Because life is full of surprises

Although you did not get what you want
Although you are disappointed
Although you feel at your lowest
Be mindful
Be grateful
Because you are actually so blessed




Do not lose hope nor be sad (3:139)
Perhaps something better is coming
Perhaps what you plan is not as good as His'
Perhaps tomorrow stores so much miracles
Only to you and those who are patient

Because life is full of surprises

P/s: I hope everyone is doing well, stay strong and don't give up yet!

Thank you for reading :)

My friendly advice to house officers

Assalamualaikum and happy weekend y'all....!

This is a story of a house officer (HO) who is in his final posting and already in anaesthesia department for 2 months plus. As I am generally a carefree person, he likes to share his experience working with other MOs to me despite he being playful. He complained about my MO friends who being so strict and not friendly and another senior MO who asked him so many questions about common anaesthesia drugs. I was okay with those complains, just being a listener and tried to tolerate his playfulness.

Last few days, I was oncall at an isolated ortho OT (only 1 anaesth MO oncall there and specialist is not in the OT) and it was kinda eventful oncall from morning- during morning passover, a patient who was given spinal anaesthesia by my friend needed intubation and subsequent cases had problems like difficult spinal anaesthesia and ventilation as well as there were so many cases pending. I. was. so. stressed.

The HO, who just came at 8pm, still being playful; did not do preoperative assessment properly, did not prepare general anaesthesia (GA) drugs for patients, did not attempt to jot down GA form at least patient's vital sign, kept asking me to excuse him to go out of OT and kept wanting to talk about nonsense things (non-medical related). I used to work without HO for 2 years plus before I came to HRPB and I wish there was no HO I have to entertain that night as I was very tired from morning. Nevertheless, I still tried to be patient.

Then after midnight, I had another case, a very big size gentleman with difficult spinal anaesthesia. After few unsuccessful attempts, I decided to just intubate the patient. As the intubation could be difficult, I plan for RSI and started preoxygenate the patient while asking the HO to prepare Rocuronium in 10cc syringe. He came with Rocuronium in 5cc syringe and told me usually Rocuronium is prepared in 5cc syringe. He couldn't answer my question on Rocuronium dose for RSI although I already taught him 2 weeks before that and he was questioned on the similar question by my senior who he complained about! That is when he really got me on my nerve.

"You just prepare another 5cc syringe of Rocuronium and I will do intensive teaching to you after this although it is already 2.30am", I bursted in front of my GA nurse, the still-conscious patient and orthopaedic team.

After I induced the patient and everything stable, I viva-ed the HO on common anaesthetic drug doses and dilution and I was astounded that he wasn't able to answer all the simple questions with a reason: he cannot think properly as its already past midnight. So I taught him again (patiently) and ignored his multiple-times yawning in front of me. I think I should be more tired than him because I worked since 7.30 in the morning but never mind, maybe he will improve when he is a medical officer later (hopefully).


DEAR HOUSE OFFICERS,

I always being very tolerant towards HOs and medical students but I cannot tolerate ignorant doctor.

Choose to be a good and competent doctor. You are a doctor, someone who saves lives.
Learn how to be a good doctor. I am not asking you to read the whole books, just know important knowledges.
Decide to be a good medical officer once you completed your housemanship training, to give the best and safe care to the patients and not merely being a doctor.
This profession is no joke, so know what you should know, be hardworking and dedicated especially when you are already in your last posting.

I hate anyone who is a people pleaser aka kaki kipas. It won't work to flatter me.
Do things properly and I will be pleased.
I, too, hate the superiors who scolded HOs with no valid reason except stressed. I would not support that.
But I want the HOs to improve, be proactive and not playful during crucial moments.
And while you are working hard and smart, enjoy your housemanship posting.
I also don't want to see any HO sad and depress. Have balance in everything.
Know when to have fun. Know when to seek help.
So, let's tolerate each other, do things in a right way together and provide the best care to the patients.
Lillahi ta'ala.


Thank you for reading!

It's okay to not be okay

Olla!

Don't know whether I already update you about this but let me just tell you (?again) that I have been working in Ipoh since November last year~~~! Emmm so far, everyday is a busy day here hence I learned many new things which I feel great about as I finally progressing. I tried to learn as much and as fast as I could because I want to be competent and functional. I think I was competent enough that I offtaged early; but too fast seems not a wise plan!

Someone told me this before: learn how to do things in a correct way. I want to practice that alongside of being competent, helpful, kind and knowledgable. Also, I want to remain happy, positive and optimistic too although I no longer friendly and happy-go-lucky like before. Being happy-go-lucky was soooo fun but for now, I choose to be unfriendly for certain reason(s).

Last week, my seniors asked me whether I was okay working here, since apparently one of them is depressed. "I am fine", I told them which is not a lie. I kinda like this place though. There's so many kind people in the department who are always patiently teaching me. However, I cannot stay here for so long, Ill get bored haha.

I pray that everyone is doing fine and do remember this, whatever happens, blame them on your hormones. Bhahaha... Ok ok let's be serious, whatever happens choose to see it positively ya.

Reflecting positive vibes to you and myself ~~~

That's all my rants today. Toodles ^^

Thank you for reading!

The blessings in disguise

Assalamualaikum!!!

This is not unusual for me to not update my blog until almost a year hehe. Today, I promised myself to at least write here once a year on every October 10th as a remembrance of Doctors' Day. Yay, HAPPY DOCTORS' DAY to all doctors who are working hard to ensure the best service/ treatment is provided to all patients.

This year, there was two upsetting incidents happened exactly 3 months ago when I was oncall - I lost a bracelet given by my parents and I 'quarreled' with my boss in our whatsapp group. Just a heads up peeps, if I am oncall or postcall especially when I'm busy or hungry, I hope no one make me get on my nerve or I'll definitely bomb anyone who trigger the switch of my patience, no matter who you are. Yup, I'm so insane when I'm 'hangry'.

I like to wear the bracelet as it feels like my mom is accompanying me anywhere I go. However, my oncall that day was kinda busy - I had to insert central catheter line to the ill patient before I intubate the patient, so I removed my bracelet to do the procedure in aseptic technique. I totally forgot about the bracelet until the day after my postcall day. As I, in the meantime, also felt guilty for talked back to my boss in whatsapp (I didn't swear, I just answered his question truthfully which I think I should just leave it unanswered), I felt very overwhelmed to even live! Those incidents really affected me so much that time. That bracelet is very very very precious not merely because it is expensive but it was given by my beloved parents. Because I like to escape whenever I'm depressed, I went for an impromptu roadtrip to Sarikei. A long drive is one of my way to make myself feels better. I drove really fast on the curvy and bumpy roads to Sarikei from Samarahan, not caring about my life at all since I felt very dejected. I had near-missed accidents twice during that journey but since my car equipped with good safety features, nothing really happened except the loud scream of the car brakes and automatic emergency lights turned on. I was very insane, right? >.<

Few weeks later, I found the bracelet on the floor in the oncall room after a cleaner did an extensive floor cleaning in the room that day. It was a real miracle for me and I am too grateful to Allah for that alhamdulillah. As for my boss who blocked me on whatsapp, phone call and phone message which I think is unnecessary, I initially felt so miserable about that. On my second thought, this should not affect me so much as I usually only use hospital phone to call any of my boss and I don't really text them. Nevertheless, there was still unsatisfied weird forlorn feelings inside me as I think this 'bad blood' thing is something so stupid I have to handle. Who wouldn't feel miserable if someone who used to talk a lot with you suddenly don't even want to say your name or see your face, right? Therefore, I decided to escape again but this time to South Korea.

The trip taught me many life lessons. I met many people who are unhappy albeit rich. I just came back from Korea and I am now feeling so rejuvenated. I do not feel anything anymore about being block or if anyone hate me and I can even tell people (you all) about this which means I am already okay! I never talk openly about anything that disrupts my inner peace. I finally found peace inside me and all praise to Allah who planned everything so perfectly. Alhamdulillah.

Oh by the way, another miracle is that I am transferring back to work in Perak next month! How amazing my life nowadays right? There are many miracles happening (some I did not say here) so I have nothing to complain (except for the slow celcom internet). My current plan is to enjoy my final month in Sarawak to the fullest, appreciate those who still love me and still want to talk to me while preparing to leave for good.

Do you wanna be my babe? ^^

Thank you for reading my yearly life update bhahahahaha. I hope Allah ease everything on your side and we always feel at peace. Be happy alwayyyys~~~!

After a year in Sarawak

Assalamualaikum and hi peeps!

It has been one year that I've been serving in Sarawak. I officially reported duty to JKN Sarawak on October 31st and formally started working in Sarawak Heart Centre (SHC) on November 7th (that time in cardiology department). The HOD of cardiology department, Dr O, is really kind and understanding hence he gave me a week unrecorded leave to settle down here.

I was really rebellious that I get transferred to Sarawak therefore I reluctant to go elsewhere and just wanted to stay in Kuching area which left me no other choice but to be in cardiology department, SHC. I did asked for placement in anaesthesia department during my report duty at JKN Sarawak however there was no vacancy in Kuching area. Nevertheless, I had a nice experience during my stay in cardiology department as all my colleagues are nice and helpful and the hospital is more or less like Hospital Sungai Buloh. (P/s: HSgB is better as it has e-HIS system) (^.-)

Although I can tolerate being in cardiology department, I kept missing to be in anaesthesia again and  I felt that I need to do what I like, I need to have passion on what I am doing to work efficiently. Therefore, after one month in cardiology department, I secretly went to meet HOD of anaesthesia department in SGH and asked for placement there. It wasn't easy to get into anaesthesia department again and I almost gave up until the day I received a text message from her to contact HOD of anaesthesia department in SHC, Dr H. Joining anaesthesia department again on January 1st was the best thing ever happened to me in Sarawak! I never regret this decision and I am forever thankful to Dr O for letting me go after been only almost 2 months in his department and also to Dr H for accepting me to his department.

My good bye message to everyone in cardiology department. =B

And now, I am thinking about transfering again..... still to anaesthesia department but to another hospital which I can gain more knowledge and experience. This time, unlike a year ago, I am feeling sad to leave my current department hence I am convincing myself everyday to proceed with this decision..

Pray for me k and thank you for reading!

Why I did not quit

Assalamualaikum and hello there!

I just realised that today is doctors' day so happy doctors' day to all doctors out there!!!

Reminiscing my life as a house officer, frankly I said it was not an easy life. I was dreaded to quit like every single days initially (except when I was in my last posting). My first rotation was in the most strict department in the hospital and I cried A LOT during my first posting. I felt so scared to go to work and always nauseated every morning. Few days after I started working, I met one of my senior, Dr Lutfi (he is now my best friend's husband), asking for tips to survive my current rotation. He gave a lot of helpful advices and one of those still fresh in my mind until now which is "do not give up". Whenever I felt like giving up, I thought of that significant advice from him. Apart from that, I was blessed with a good family support, helpful colleagues and kind nurses too and up till now, I am very much thankful to my senior Dr Aida and all nurses in ortho ward 5A. I will never forget their kindness. They are one of the reasons I did not quit.

There were so many people I know eventually quit their housemanship and one of them is my best friend who quit during her second posting. She is one of the best student in my uni and helped me so much during our medical studies. We used to hang out together during our first posting and always told each other about quitting housemanship. Neither did I know that she will really quit housemanship and I was kinda disappointed by the fact that I only knew she quit 3 months later. On my second thought, it is a good thing that she quit earlier as being a doctor is never her dream but her parents'. Meanwhile for myself, it is me who chose this path and I was the one who really wanted to be a doctor since I was 9 years old for whatever reason. Being as rational as I always be, I cannot think of what else I can do other than to serve as a doctor. Therefore, I did not quit.

House officer is only given one day off per week and the other 6 days are working days which were most of the time busy and overwhelming. My multitasking skills grew each days as I was becoming senior whereby I can refer case through phone while typing morning review in the system and tracing blood investigations from the system at the same time. However competent I became as a senior house officer, many times I felt so down and worn out after working before sunrise, went back after sunset and only had my proper meal of the day after I went home. I wanted to quit so badly because I was so exhausted hence I consoled myself by telling that I will quit later but that later never happened as I kept postponing it. This means that, we can use our procrastination charm on quitting issue like this as it works well on me. See, I did not quit!

I am grateful that luck is always on my side and I rarely got scolded by MOs or specialists. However, I received two terrible scoldings when I was in my first and fifth postings. Of course I felt so down for both scoldings but being scolded as fifth poster was something really discouraged me. My feet felt so heavy to go to work on the subsequent days until the day a caretaker of my patient approached me. She thanked me for taking care of her sick husband and told me that I am a good doctor and should continue to be a specialist later. I was taken aback by her comforting words and I realised that I must keep going on to save many more patients in the future and shall not quit.

And now, I am already a medical officer, already 3 years in service. There are so many things I learned and yet so many things more to learn. Although I am a medical officer now, there are still times when I wanted to quit, especially when I could not save my patient. I even wanted to suicide as I felt at my worst - useless and helpless - that I could not resuscitated my patient and bring him back to life. I collected my strengths from Allah and reflected on everything that happened until I am okay again. Someone told me that we are just human beings, life and death is not something we could decide and yeah it is something that I could not disagree. After all the efforts from healthcare providers, it always eventually leads to Hippocrates quote: to cure sometimes, to treat often and to comfort always.

Again, happy doctors day to all doctors out there! Let's keep holding on, be sincere to help our patients lillahi ta'ala and continue to be a better doctor each day in shaa Allah.

That's all for now. Thank you for reading!