I just realised that today is doctors' day so happy doctors' day to all doctors out there!!!
Reminiscing my life as a house officer, frankly I said it was not an easy life. I was dreaded to quit like every single days initially (except when I was in my last posting). My first rotation was in the most strict department in the hospital and I cried A LOT during my first posting. I felt so scared to go to work and always nauseated every morning. Few days after I started working, I met one of my senior, Dr Lutfi (he is now my best friend's husband), asking for tips to survive my current rotation. He gave a lot of helpful advices and one of those still fresh in my mind until now which is "do not give up". Whenever I felt like giving up, I thought of that significant advice from him. Apart from that, I was blessed with a good family support, helpful colleagues and kind nurses too and up till now, I am very much thankful to my senior Dr Aida and all nurses in ortho ward 5A. I will never forget their kindness. They are one of the reasons I did not quit.
There were so many people I know eventually quit their housemanship and one of them is my best friend who quit during her second posting. She is one of the best student in my uni and helped me so much during our medical studies. We used to hang out together during our first posting and always told each other about quitting housemanship. Neither did I know that she will really quit housemanship and I was kinda disappointed by the fact that I only knew she quit 3 months later. On my second thought, it is a good thing that she quit earlier as being a doctor is never her dream but her parents'. Meanwhile for myself, it is me who chose this path and I was the one who really wanted to be a doctor since I was 9 years old for whatever reason. Being as rational as I always be, I cannot think of what else I can do other than to serve as a doctor. Therefore, I did not quit.
House officer is only given one day off per week and the other 6 days are working days which were most of the time busy and overwhelming. My multitasking skills grew each days as I was becoming senior whereby I can refer case through phone while typing morning review in the system and tracing blood investigations from the system at the same time. However competent I became as a senior house officer, many times I felt so down and worn out after working before sunrise, went back after sunset and only had my proper meal of the day after I went home. I wanted to quit so badly because I was so exhausted hence I consoled myself by telling that I will quit later but that later never happened as I kept postponing it. This means that, we can use our procrastination charm on quitting issue like this as it works well on me. See, I did not quit!
I am grateful that luck is always on my side and I rarely got scolded by MOs or specialists. However, I received two terrible scoldings when I was in my first and fifth postings. Of course I felt so down for both scoldings but being scolded as fifth poster was something really discouraged me. My feet felt so heavy to go to work on the subsequent days until the day a caretaker of my patient approached me. She thanked me for taking care of her sick husband and told me that I am a good doctor and should continue to be a specialist later. I was taken aback by her comforting words and I realised that I must keep going on to save many more patients in the future and shall not quit.
And now, I am already a medical officer, already 3 years in service. There are so many things I learned and yet so many things more to learn. Although I am a medical officer now, there are still times when I wanted to quit, especially when I could not save my patient. I even wanted to suicide as I felt at my worst - useless and helpless - that I could not resuscitated my patient and bring him back to life. I collected my strengths from Allah and reflected on everything that happened until I am okay again. Someone told me that we are just human beings, life and death is not something we could decide and yeah it is something that I could not disagree. After all the efforts from healthcare providers, it always eventually leads to Hippocrates quote: to cure sometimes, to treat often and to comfort always.
Again, happy doctors day to all doctors out there! Let's keep holding on, be sincere to help our patients lillahi ta'ala and continue to be a better doctor each day in shaa Allah.
That's all for now. Thank you for reading!
