Why I did not quit

Assalamualaikum and hello there!

I just realised that today is doctors' day so happy doctors' day to all doctors out there!!!

Reminiscing my life as a house officer, frankly I said it was not an easy life. I was dreaded to quit like every single days initially (except when I was in my last posting). My first rotation was in the most strict department in the hospital and I cried A LOT during my first posting. I felt so scared to go to work and always nauseated every morning. Few days after I started working, I met one of my senior, Dr Lutfi (he is now my best friend's husband), asking for tips to survive my current rotation. He gave a lot of helpful advices and one of those still fresh in my mind until now which is "do not give up". Whenever I felt like giving up, I thought of that significant advice from him. Apart from that, I was blessed with a good family support, helpful colleagues and kind nurses too and up till now, I am very much thankful to my senior Dr Aida and all nurses in ortho ward 5A. I will never forget their kindness. They are one of the reasons I did not quit.

There were so many people I know eventually quit their housemanship and one of them is my best friend who quit during her second posting. She is one of the best student in my uni and helped me so much during our medical studies. We used to hang out together during our first posting and always told each other about quitting housemanship. Neither did I know that she will really quit housemanship and I was kinda disappointed by the fact that I only knew she quit 3 months later. On my second thought, it is a good thing that she quit earlier as being a doctor is never her dream but her parents'. Meanwhile for myself, it is me who chose this path and I was the one who really wanted to be a doctor since I was 9 years old for whatever reason. Being as rational as I always be, I cannot think of what else I can do other than to serve as a doctor. Therefore, I did not quit.

House officer is only given one day off per week and the other 6 days are working days which were most of the time busy and overwhelming. My multitasking skills grew each days as I was becoming senior whereby I can refer case through phone while typing morning review in the system and tracing blood investigations from the system at the same time. However competent I became as a senior house officer, many times I felt so down and worn out after working before sunrise, went back after sunset and only had my proper meal of the day after I went home. I wanted to quit so badly because I was so exhausted hence I consoled myself by telling that I will quit later but that later never happened as I kept postponing it. This means that, we can use our procrastination charm on quitting issue like this as it works well on me. See, I did not quit!

I am grateful that luck is always on my side and I rarely got scolded by MOs or specialists. However, I received two terrible scoldings when I was in my first and fifth postings. Of course I felt so down for both scoldings but being scolded as fifth poster was something really discouraged me. My feet felt so heavy to go to work on the subsequent days until the day a caretaker of my patient approached me. She thanked me for taking care of her sick husband and told me that I am a good doctor and should continue to be a specialist later. I was taken aback by her comforting words and I realised that I must keep going on to save many more patients in the future and shall not quit.

And now, I am already a medical officer, already 3 years in service. There are so many things I learned and yet so many things more to learn. Although I am a medical officer now, there are still times when I wanted to quit, especially when I could not save my patient. I even wanted to suicide as I felt at my worst - useless and helpless - that I could not resuscitated my patient and bring him back to life. I collected my strengths from Allah and reflected on everything that happened until I am okay again. Someone told me that we are just human beings, life and death is not something we could decide and yeah it is something that I could not disagree. After all the efforts from healthcare providers, it always eventually leads to Hippocrates quote: to cure sometimes, to treat often and to comfort always.

Again, happy doctors day to all doctors out there! Let's keep holding on, be sincere to help our patients lillahi ta'ala and continue to be a better doctor each day in shaa Allah.

That's all for now. Thank you for reading!

Troubleshoot should I quit housemanship

Assalamualaikum and hi there!

This time I'll write on a more serious topic as per the title. Based on stories I heard from those who studied medicine abroad, I can say that housemanship in Malaysia is kinda tough. But at least nowadays housemen working schedule is in shift system, no more oncall system. Mind you certain hospital still using oncall system and in Sg Buloh, anaes department also trained all the HOs to work in oncall system. Being a houseman is really not easy as it is a transition from an enjoyable student lifestyle to an unimaginable hectic working life.

It is normal to feel so overwhelmed, down and wanting to quit housemanship especially those who are very new to this job. For the first posters, you must be shocked, emotionally and physically tired after at least 14 days of working for more than 15hours per day. Plus, you are adapting with the new environment, new people e.g. senior HO, MOs, specialists, nurses etc as well as coping with the working system (review patients, familiarise with writting notes in PC or on papers and taking bloods).

Me being a houseman for 722days already (I have to be exact as I'm counting days to finish really soon hewhewhew), I observed so many trends and behaviours of my housemanship colleagues. Some really work so efficiently and diligently, some work smartly (do work fast & go back home early), some just likes to take their own sweet time to finish carry out plan and dont mind getting home late at night. I am all of the above, it really depends on my mood though hiksss! Not forgetting those with attitude problem MIA and not doing work properly, I can just pray they change to be better.

Lemme stop making this entry so lengthy and just straight to the point. Here are questions I prepared to help determine whether you should or should not quit housemanship:

1. Is medicine is your choice or your family's?
- if it is your choice , add 1 point
- if its your family's, minus 1 point

2. Do you have some liking in this field?
- if yes, add 1 point
- if no, minus 1 point

3. Can you stand with humiliation, scoldings and working without seeing sunlight for at least 2 weeks?
- if you think you can, add 1 point
- if no, minus 1 point

4. Are you afraid to quit because of yourself or your family?
- if its because of yourself, add 2 points
- if its because of your family, minus 1 point
- if you are not sure, add 1 point

5. After start working for 14days, are you surviving well means you dont have to fake illness or take mc or el?
- if yes, add 3 points
- if no, minus 3 points

6. Do yo always feel afraid to go to work until you have to take mc or el?
- if yes, minus 1 point
- if no, add 1 point

After all the above questions, if your mark is negative, you should rethink about being in this profession. If you get positive marks, you should just continue this housemanship journey. Its just for a short time, once you become more senior you will be able to cope better.
Below are additional questions to help you decide.

7. Do you think you can cope with this kind of no-life life?
- if your answer is no and you are really not happy, my advice is you should consider quitting and do something you like. Dont torcher yourself to achieve your family's ambition because you deserve to be happy and achieve your own ambition.
- if you are not sure or your answer is yes, go to the next question.

8. Do you feel happy saving people and make other's smile after they recover from their illness?
- if yes, please do not quit. This is your ambition and your passion. You can survive this. Be strong!
- if no or you are not sure, go to next question.

9. Is being a doctor is your ambition?
- if yes, STRICTLY DO NOT QUIT!!!
- if no and you have other things to do in your mind, you should just quit and do what you like.

These are rough guidelines to help you make decision. After answering these questions you still not sure of your decision, do istikarah prayer and ask around-your colleagues, batchmate, family and even the bosses. Their opinions are really helpful.

I think that is all for now. If you decide to continue being a doctor, do not settle for average, do your very best and serve the patients the best you can. Because if the patient is you or your family, you would choose to be treated from a good doctor right?

Toodles peeps... xoxo

Me as senior house officer: Medical Dept

Asslamualaikum semua...

Aku masuk medical department as a fifth poster. Still remember when I was still tagging (day 1 in department), one of the patients desaturated but the PM shift HO is a junior poster. He did not know what to do hence I helped him managing the patient while waiting for oncall MO to arrive. Remember peeps, if patient desaturated ke ape ke, just use ABCD approach k, baru la tak lupa nak buat apa.

On my day 2 of tagging, after 4pm ada patient kat PKKN ni persistent tachycardia pulak. Terus suruh nurse buat ECG and I reviewed with my friend looks like sinus tachycardia. Patient looks dry as well and complain of pain kat tangan. So aku suruh run fluids and prescribed pain killer. The very next morning round dengan MO review balik ECG, still we are convinced it's sinus tachycardia. Kebetulan konsultan aka HOD lalu wad so MO panggil bos nak tanya opinion. Bos cakap it's SVT then mengamuk habis sebab aku tak passover kes tu to the oncall doctor semalam. Itu lah second time aku kena marah teruk sejak housemanship ni. The patient was sent to CCU immediately and discharged well after few days.

In medical, specialists and MOs are like friends. We work and eat together. Hewhewhew~

Since my 2nd week in medical, I was assign to be ward leader hence I was incharge of HO roster. Therefore, it's easy for me to arrange my schedule but it was so difficult to handle HOs yang suka EL. Pernah aku kena kerja 24hours kat medical ni sebab ganti orang EL. Totally unplanned and unprepared but I survived, alhamdulilah.

Paling happy kat medical ni ialah waktu viva department, dapat full marks. Dr J and Dr S claimed they never gave full marks to anyone before and asked me to join them in medical. Of course the safe answer I gave " Errrrr, I will consider it". Haha. The best part is waktu hospital viva, my HOD said "I still remember you in PKKN before, but you did so well throughout the posting. Dr J is really stingy to give marks but you got full marks. Well done". Malu I olls dia puji depan HOD department lain and timbalan pengarah hospital. >.<

Sebab bos semua baik sangat, aku struggle pegi beli kek ni dan ajak kawan2 buat farewell party the week we were leaving the department. TQ medical team for the bitter sweet memories.

All in all, the take home messages here are to always passover smartly to the oncall person and expect the unexpected. Anything abnormal, inform je bos awal2, lantaklah kalau kena marah sebab inform simple thing pun.

Thanks for reading!

"I am stronger because I had to be, smarter because of my mistakes, happier because of the sadness I have known and now wiser because I learned."

My housemanship summary: Senior year

Assalamualaikum,

Ha, baru ade mood nak update blog.. Six month apart pulak tu. LOL. My life is still the same. I still work as a doctor in the same hospital. Yup, my work means my life. I love my job now. I faced with love-hate relationship with my job before but now I really love my job. Dulu setiap minggu mesti mesej mak cakap nak quit la, dah penat la, nak quit and quit and quit. But I didn't because I don't have plan B which is what I'm going to do next if I quit. Being a rational person, I didn't quit but faced all the struggles instead. Now I'm glad I didn't quit. After being so long in the stormy days, I now found the rainbow. Ceewah =)

Allah dah takdirkan aku dapat posting yang banyak dugaan dulu dan pergi ke posting yang makin mudah kemudiannya. Orthopedics -- Paediatrics -- O&G -- Surgical -- Medical -- Anaethesiology. Ortho tu ko orang takyah tanya memang banyak drama. Somehow I missed the dramas. LOL. I enjoyed the drama actually especially during radiology conference; cuma aku punya adrenaline rush waktu grand ward round setiap hari Isnin tu memang paling aku tak suka. Anak Dato' pun boleh kena halau keluar wad tau waktu round kalau ko salah bagi simple info like patient tu ade diabetes dah 10 tahun tapi ko cakap dua tahun. Nasib baik aku tak pernah kena HAHAHAHA. Bila fikir balik, sebenarnya orthoLIFE training ni the best training. Ajar semua HO tentang love, integrity, fun and endurance. Bila HOD strict sikit baru la takde orang nak EL je kejenya. Yes, aku memang pembenci orang yang EL/ malas kerja ni.

Paeds busy tapi takde drama. Aku paling suka HOD paeds antara semua HOD, baik and sporting habis (HOD anaes pun best). Last week aku terjumpa Dr V, supervisor kat paeds dulu. Tak sangka dia ingat aku lagi dan suruh aku join paeds. Waktu dia cakap, "What do you want to do next? Oh you are considering paeds right. Come join us after this", I was like "errr  I'm not sure yet, I'm still considering paeds". Ok jawapan selamat. =B

O&G best jugak. Siap turun padang main bola jaring dengan bosses lagi. Tapi sebab hari tu aku postcall, aku rasa baiklah aku tengok je tak main. Huhu. Surgical pun best. Aku agak jonah kat surgical. Ade je patient hematemesis tengah2 malam waktu aku shift PM. Padahal patient tu KIV discharge coming morning kot. Urghhhh. Paling best surgical ni banyak cuti. Aku cuti 2 minggu ok untuk EOP!! Yeayyyyy

Nampak sangat muka postcall di situ! Heh

My 5th posting is medical. Memang posting yang the best lah! Orang kata save the best for the last kan. So memang 2 posting terakhir aku ni paling best. Medical ni busy dan ade drama sikit kalau kat wad PKKN tapi bosses dia baik nak mamp. Aku sayang gila kat MOs and specialists medical ni. Ade la sorang MO and sorang specialist aku tak suka tapi aku tak kerja bawah diorang sangat pun.

Aku suka buat scan untuk patients yang datang kat early pregnancy unit (EPAU). Heee~

Thanks for reading!

1 year housemanship experience

Assalamualaikum... This just a random talk about my experience so far.

I'm a houseman for 1 year 2 months already now. Currently I'm in my fourth posting which is surgical. I went through orthopaedic, paediatric and O&G before. During my first posting, I learnt a lot about people and working life. I had a not-really-nice experience during the first posting. But I kinda miss my first posting though; I missed the teamwork I had during the posting. I worked with superb colleagues (but some are annoying) and also the nurses!!! I love the sister and nurses. They helped me a lot and gave strength to me to cope with the department cultures. Yeah, the department had some weird cultures and MOs wasn't so friendly that time. They just make a big fuss about anything during rounds and they won't help to present any single case during rounds. There's one day, left me alone in ward during morning round and I have to present all the cases. In ortho, you cannot refer to any notes while presenting case during rounds. Of course I couldn't remember every details of all 28 cases in ward hence I got screamed at. Haha. My memory wasn't so great though. >.<

My mentor in ortho, the best and kindest specialist in the department. I still remember how I cried in front of him. Haha. Hope he's in best health and be blessed always.

Then I went to paeds. I had a bit of culture shock with the bosses. Many of the MOs and specialist are so nice which unlike the previous posting. I enjoyed being in paeds except when I have to take blood from the NNJ babies. I love babies and children but I don't like to poke them especially those with hard-to-get veins. On my last day in the department, my supervisor asked me to join paeds and of course I'd love too however the thing that made me still thinking about joining paeds is how to deal with the needing to poke the babies????

How can you have heart to poke these too cute babies? I still remember how I cried together with the babies when I took their blood. So heart-breaking you know?!

My O&G posting is also a great experience for me. I love working at labour room but it's usually so tiring especially when its a jonah day. I love doing procedures in labour room but you know sometimes it's like a war zone there which made you feel overwhelmed. Nevertheless, I wont pursue into this field. For me, O&G is equal to medicolegal department. So many medicolegal issues the department encountered. Perhaps, patients like to sue O&G doctors for any slightest mistake. So, it's a nay for O&G.

Me and colleagues during episiotomy suturing workshop.

Now I'm in surgery. Initially I hated this department. So far I will hate which ever department I going through during tagging time. Hiks! Now I kinda like it. The specialists are so cute like really cute. Some likes to shout during ward rounds (I found this cute too), some are just having serious facial expression all the time, some dressed up so nicely with pretty lipstick colour and high heels and some are just super nice, teaching during rounds and likes houseman to involve in deciding management for patient. I know all of them having a kind heart. I just know it from how they devoted their time for patients. They went back so late at night like at 11pm as they faced with difficult surgery which took hoursss to finish and if they are post call, they still works the next day as usual. They are so workaholic. May Allah bless all my surgeons!

As far as now, I met a very super super nice doctors and badas one. I kept questioning myself, how can this particular doctor, Dr S be so patient, talk so softly and teach anyone so nicely whereas another particular doctor so sarcastic, scream next to your ear and asked for explaination letter without checking properly into the matter. Surely I wants to be like Dr S but you know I got some temper sometimes. LOL

Now my concern is to finish my housemanship and get into any specialty. Somehow, I still do not know what specialty I should take. I really can't decide now as yet.

That's all for now peeps. Thanks for reading!

Survived for 32days

Assalamualaikum

It's been 1 month since I started my first posting in Orthopaedic Department Hospital Sungai Buloh. All these while Allah helped me so much. Been a first poster, there's so many things I did not know. I absolutely agree that study medicine and work as a doctor has significant difference. Somehow I miss being medical student. Hukhukhuk~

Anyhow, I just would like emphasize on important tips to survive during the housemanship which is always be close to our creator, Allah SWT. Ask help from Him every seconds. Alhamdulillah, I'm so thankful that He always hear my prayers and gave what I asked for. Trust Him all your heart and don't forget that everything happens with His will. Next to it is that we must NEVER EVER EVER GIVE UP!!!

Remember, you are as strong as your next move. How hard life and people try to bring you down, you must ask Him to shield you from falling. There's 89 days for me to finish this posting. Every morning I woke up, adrenaline rush would be there and I hope I can stand with this until end of this posting,

26th Sept was my awesome day since been in this posting. I'm blessed with this mentor mentee group. :')

#prayforme
#mayAllahease
#tobethebestdoctor
#lillahitaala

Thanks for reading. May Allah bless us and please pray for my success!

Apa yang perlu untuk Program Transformasi Minda?

Assalamualaikum

Alhamdulillah, setelah hampir 5 bulan bercuti, aku telah dipanggil untuk berkhidmat bakti kepada kerajaan Malaysia. Weee,,, gembira hati I olls disamping turut berasa cuak dan gementar untuk officially berkerja sebagai seorang doktor. :')

Bermula dari batch PTM Ogos 2014, pihak KKM menggunakan sistem baru which is kita dapat tahu posting kat hospital mana dulu barulah dapat surat induksi/ program transformasi minda (PTM). Aku akan berkerja di Hospital Sungai Buloh. Semua yang bakal bertugas di Selangor berkursus di Hotel Flamingo, Ampang.

Nak berkerja sebagai seorang penjawat awam, wajib tau untuk datang PTM. Buat bakal houseman, kita wajib membawa 4 dokumen seperti di bawah ketika register di PTM masing2:

1) 1 salinan Sijil pendaftaran sementara MMC
2) 1 salinan borang pemeriksaan perubatan (ada dapat sekali dengan surat SPA)
3) 1 salinan surat tawaran SPA
* Sila bawa dokumen asal untuk semua salinan2 di atas
4) 2 salinan borang profil peserta (1 ori + 1 fotostat) berserta gambar setiap satu borang

Jadi, tak perlu pening2 ye.. 4 dokumen je kena bawak.

Bagi perempuan, korg mesti akan pening berapa banyak baju nak bawak, nak pakai baju apa and like oh oh I'm so confused! Jangan risau, tujuan post ini ditulis pun untuk membantu golongan seperti kalian.

Aktiviti PTM ni banyak dengar ceramah je sampai penceramah pun boleh ghaib depan mata anda (kalau you tidur -.-). Waktu ceramah kena pakai baju formal tahu. Bila bercakap tentang formal, haruslah bawa baju kurung. Nak pakai blouse dengan skirt labuh pun boleh asalkan nampak formal dan professional. Tudung tu boleh je nak pakai shawl atau tudung sarung, as long as you selesa, nampak kemas dan berkeyakinan tinggi. Beauty is confidence, girls! Muahaha... :p

Aku punya ptm dari 25-29 Ogos. Sebab 5 hari, aku pun bawak 4 pasang baju kurung untuk pakai waktu siang, 2 blouses with long skirt serta 2 jubah untuk pakai waktu malam. Baju tidur bawak 2 pasang cukup la, bukan nak tidur sangat pun. Habis program pukul 10.30pm lepas tu ade diskusi kumpulan. Depends on your group nak habis discussion pukul berapa. Group aku hari tu kul 12.30midnight je paling lambat. Yang pasti, pukul 6.15am esok kena berkumpul kat lobi dah untuk senamrobik. Ya, ada senamrobik setiap pagi.. Jangan rebel ye semua..Jadi, jangan lupa bawak at least 2 pasang sport attire dan kasut sukan ok?!

Selain ceramah, ada aktiviti berkumpulan- lukisan & soalan2 (seperti diatas) serta sketsa. Sketsa tu basically how doctors should handle certain situation. Korang bawak la crayon, alat tulis dan apa yang dirasakan perlu untuk kegunaan masa depan! Wehuuuu...

Ni antara tugasan yang kena buat iaitu jawab 50 soalan umum... Soalan2 ni pentinggg sangat sebab, nanti ada ujian and soalan2 ujian tu lebih kurang dengan soalan2 dalam tugasan kita ni,, Jangan terkejut tau, memang betul2 ada ujian 20 soalan objektif pada hari terakhir PTM. It's not a medical exam.. Soalan2 dia based on the lectures given dan soalan2 dalam 50 soalan tu... Tentang perlembagaan Malaysia, gred2 perkhidmatan awam etc.

Chill guys... enjoy your PTM and the most crucial part is to enjoy the foods provided. Dah la makan 6 kali sehari, sedap pulak tu semua makanan. I'm so in love with the hotel's foods.

Ni kumpulan I olls masa kat ptm itu hari. Ada jugak geng2 HO Sungai Buloh disini. :)

Ni geng MD UKM - AUCMS. We are special and limited edition... ;')

I think that's all for now. Thanks for reading guys.... ^^